Being Me

A friend asked me today "Where do you feel most at peace?" For a while, I couldn't think of anything. Every place I thought of, there was always something that would keep me distracted, something that wouldn't let my mind settle. There were the generic places, like the woods, or my bed, but all of those had distractions, or memories, or things that would just make me worry. Then I realized the one place I could be calm, and I could truly relax: the shower.

I know everyone feels relaxed when they take a shower, but for me it's a little different. I live in a house with 6 other people and 7 animals. It's a pretty big house, but it isn't quite big enough for very much privacy. If I ever want to be alone, I've either got to kick everyone out of my bedroom, or find a remote location in the basement or something. But even then, I've still got people texting me, and my parents or siblings can call for me at any time.

When I'm in the shower, though, that all changes. Nobody bothers me. My phone isn't even in the bathroom, most of the time. I am completely and entirely alone. And it's absolutely fantastic. I don't have to worry about people judging me. I don't have to worry about messing things up, especially in front of other people. I can sing, or dance, or talk to myself, or cry, or do anything I want to, and nobody will say a damned thing about it. It's the only place I can frequently express myself and not be ashamed of it. Those shower walls probably know more about me than any person.

Unfortunately, I can't do that in other places. I won't allow myself to truly be "me" if other people are around. Even if they've known me for a while, and they consider me to be a good friend. There is as very small number of people who I can regularly be myself and not be worried about what they'll think. A lot of people who feel like they know me probably only know who I pretend to be around them. That's part of the reason I feel so alone.

I don't know why I can't be myself around people. Maybe when I was younger, I would just act like myself all the time, being random and weird, and not a lot of people liked that, so I decided to just act like everybody wanted me to. I actually do that now; I will change how I act, how I talk, even how I think, all based on my present company. I hate it, and I'm trying to change it. But it's so ingrained into the way I act that it's difficult.

Now, I'm not trying to offend anybody. There are a fair number of people who actually know the real me. But not all of the right people do. Hopefully I can get better about being me. But who knows?

WarGames

One of the worst facets of my depression is a terribly low self-esteem. Whenever I look at myself, I see this awful person. I'm constantly comparing every quality of myself against people who make me look like trash. I'm not as smart as this person, or not as athletic as that person, or not as funny as this other person, and so on. This is what led me to cut myself and try to kill myself.

Now, having gone through therapy, I realize that I wasn't exactly being fair to myself. Sure I'm not as smart as this person, but I'm still a fairly smart guy. And I may not be as funny as that person, but I'm clever enough. I was always setting incredibly high standards for myself, and if I ever reached them, I would just set new ones that were even higher. I would never consider where I was "good enough," even when there were people complimenting me.

And now I'm at a bit of an awkward middle ground. I know what I SHOULD be thinking, and I know why I should be thinking it. I also know what I SHOULDN'T be thinking, and why. But I'm having trouble actually thinking what I should and not thinking what I shouldn't. Obviously the road to recovery isn't easy, but I don't feel like I'm making much progress. Which, obviously, doesn't make me feel much better about myself. It's almost as if I'm too stupid to figure this out.

I know this is ludicrous, but sometimes I feel like trying to get better is just making things worse. It's almost not worth it. I thought I could only go up from rock bottom; not the first time I was wrong.

When You're Depressed

Imagine something with me: you're sitting in a dark room. You can't see the walls, or the ceiling. In fact, you only know there's a floor simply because you're standing on it. All of a sudden, you start sinking into the floor. It's slow at first, so you don't think much of it. You try to pull your foot out, but that just pushes the other one further down. You reach down to try to grab it, but that just leaves your arms stuck. You sink down further and further, and any attempts you make to squirm out just make you fall in faster. Eventually, it's only your head sticking out of the floor, and other people walk by, saying things like "Why can't you just get up?" That's what it's like when you're depressed.

When you're depressed, it isn't like just being sad. When you're sad, you can get mopey, and you don't feel like doing anything. There's a reason for the sadness: usually something bad happened, or something good didn't. Either way, you generally know why you're sad. Once you've moved past the issue, by getting over it, dealing with it, or whatever else, you feel normal again. With depression, there is no reason. Or, if there is, it's incredibly difficult to tell what it is. You can be depressed for weeks, months, or even years at a time. I can be fine for months at a time, and then, without warning, I'll just plummet. Sometimes something sets it off, but most of the time nothing happens. And when I get into a funk like that, it's impossible to get out. Eventually, I'll slowly get back to normal, but it's always just a matter of time before I slip back into depression.

When you're depressed, you don't think normally. Every thought has this negative edge. You always think the worst things will happen in a situation. Every single good thought you have about yourself--if you can manage to have any at all--is followed immediately by a hundred awful ones. You're always worried that you're upsetting other people, that your "bad moods" are making people like you even less than they already do. You can't accept compliments, and criticisms only make things worse. You can't be optimistic.

When you're depressed, you can't do anything. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up and not even had the willpower to turn off my alarm. There are days where I won't get out of my room. I'll turn off my phone. Hell, sometimes I won't even turn on my computer. Simply because I just can't. Sometimes I can put on a happy face and try to get through my day, but I won't be able to socialize, and anything I try to do I'll only be able to do half as well as normal. But a lot of the time, I just can't even bother trying.

When you're depressed, you need help. Nobody can deal with depression by themselves. Some people make bad decisions and do unhealthy things, either to themselves or other people. For some people, alcohol has all the answers. For others, it's drugs. Other people think happiness is buried deep inside every other vagina. I sort of had a system for ignoring my problems. When I could, I would date somebody just so I could help with their problems. I was constantly putting myself into unhealthy relationships and letting myself get taken advantage of, simply because I didn't want to face my own problems. When there was nobody there for my to "help," I would smoke a lot of pot. It made me feel like I was happy, and it made my problems seem less significant. But neither of these things actually helped me to deal with my problems; they just put off the inevitable, if not just piling more on top.

For those of you reading this who are depressed, please get help. If you don't think you need it, but these things sound familiar to you, then you're wrong. You DO need it. And if you don't think you can tell anybody for whatever reason, maybe you should try anyway. I know it's hard. It took me almost 20 years of my life before I even admitted to myself that I couldn't do it alone. You'd be surprised how willing some people are to help, if you just give them the chance.

And for those of you reading this who aren't depressed, maybe this gave you a bit of insight. What I've written might not necessarily apply to all depressed people; I'm just going off of what I've experienced and the stories of a few other people. But hopefully know you'll know why we can't "Just cheer up."

Foreword (Or Backward, if You Start at the End)

Hi. I've been struggling with depression for about as long as I can remember now. Well, I've had it as long as I can remember. I've only been struggling with it for a handful of years now. Anyway. This blog will be about my story. I'll probably throw in the occasional rant of self-loathing, and maybe some uplifting stuff every now and then, just so this isn't ENTIRELY depressing. Maybe you'll find something I say inspiring, or maybe you'll be able to relate. Or maybe you've just got a severe case of schadenfreude. Either way, pull up a chair and have a listen. You just might enjoy what I've got to say.