WarGames

One of the worst facets of my depression is a terribly low self-esteem. Whenever I look at myself, I see this awful person. I'm constantly comparing every quality of myself against people who make me look like trash. I'm not as smart as this person, or not as athletic as that person, or not as funny as this other person, and so on. This is what led me to cut myself and try to kill myself.

Now, having gone through therapy, I realize that I wasn't exactly being fair to myself. Sure I'm not as smart as this person, but I'm still a fairly smart guy. And I may not be as funny as that person, but I'm clever enough. I was always setting incredibly high standards for myself, and if I ever reached them, I would just set new ones that were even higher. I would never consider where I was "good enough," even when there were people complimenting me.

And now I'm at a bit of an awkward middle ground. I know what I SHOULD be thinking, and I know why I should be thinking it. I also know what I SHOULDN'T be thinking, and why. But I'm having trouble actually thinking what I should and not thinking what I shouldn't. Obviously the road to recovery isn't easy, but I don't feel like I'm making much progress. Which, obviously, doesn't make me feel much better about myself. It's almost as if I'm too stupid to figure this out.

I know this is ludicrous, but sometimes I feel like trying to get better is just making things worse. It's almost not worth it. I thought I could only go up from rock bottom; not the first time I was wrong.