Being Me

A friend asked me today "Where do you feel most at peace?" For a while, I couldn't think of anything. Every place I thought of, there was always something that would keep me distracted, something that wouldn't let my mind settle. There were the generic places, like the woods, or my bed, but all of those had distractions, or memories, or things that would just make me worry. Then I realized the one place I could be calm, and I could truly relax: the shower.

I know everyone feels relaxed when they take a shower, but for me it's a little different. I live in a house with 6 other people and 7 animals. It's a pretty big house, but it isn't quite big enough for very much privacy. If I ever want to be alone, I've either got to kick everyone out of my bedroom, or find a remote location in the basement or something. But even then, I've still got people texting me, and my parents or siblings can call for me at any time.

When I'm in the shower, though, that all changes. Nobody bothers me. My phone isn't even in the bathroom, most of the time. I am completely and entirely alone. And it's absolutely fantastic. I don't have to worry about people judging me. I don't have to worry about messing things up, especially in front of other people. I can sing, or dance, or talk to myself, or cry, or do anything I want to, and nobody will say a damned thing about it. It's the only place I can frequently express myself and not be ashamed of it. Those shower walls probably know more about me than any person.

Unfortunately, I can't do that in other places. I won't allow myself to truly be "me" if other people are around. Even if they've known me for a while, and they consider me to be a good friend. There is as very small number of people who I can regularly be myself and not be worried about what they'll think. A lot of people who feel like they know me probably only know who I pretend to be around them. That's part of the reason I feel so alone.

I don't know why I can't be myself around people. Maybe when I was younger, I would just act like myself all the time, being random and weird, and not a lot of people liked that, so I decided to just act like everybody wanted me to. I actually do that now; I will change how I act, how I talk, even how I think, all based on my present company. I hate it, and I'm trying to change it. But it's so ingrained into the way I act that it's difficult.

Now, I'm not trying to offend anybody. There are a fair number of people who actually know the real me. But not all of the right people do. Hopefully I can get better about being me. But who knows?